just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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