I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
