We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
