when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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