Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
