i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
