my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
