a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
