I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
