I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
