Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
