You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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