I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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