My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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