one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
