I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
