I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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