we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
