She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
