i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
