dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
