Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
