What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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