she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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