They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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