I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
