the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
