woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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