a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
