the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
