Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
