i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
