I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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