She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
