It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
