My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
