Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
