I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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