so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
