I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
