I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
