I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Never let your siblings swipe right.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
