I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
