apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
