I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
