I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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