I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
