this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
