Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
