Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
